Dear KRQ, likening men who demand dowry as 'hijra' is problematic

In a recent appearance on a local television channel, screenwriter and director Khalilur Rehman Qamar (KRQ) stirred the pot by campaigning for love marriages, imploring women to maintain their physique after marriage, and equating men who demand dowry to transgender persons.

Beginning innocuously enough, KRQ declared, “I prefer love marriage because I think that is the only way of getting rid of the curse of dowries in our society. Jahez is the biggest sin. If a man doesn’t demand a dowry from his wife, he is already halfway there to love.”

According to KRQ, the simple act of refusing a dowry would cause a woman to value her husband more, and that she would “wash his feet” in gratitude for sparing her parents undue financial pressure. KQR is so disgusted with the very concept of dowries (but not disgusted with the concept of women washing men's feet) that he likened men who make such demands to 'hijra' - an offensive slur used for transgender persons. Without a hint of irony or apology, the Meray Paas Tum Ho writer said, “Men who take jahez are hijra. That is what I call them.” In a half-hearted attempt to offer support for a maligned minority, KRQ added, “I mean no disrespect to transgenders, but I think men who ask for dowries are na mard.”

KRQ may have offered lip service to respect transgender persons, but the misogyny entrenched in Pakistani society today seeped through his words. Being disgusted with the concept of dowries and placing undue financial demands in the name of tradition is laudable. What is not praiseworthy is equating such traits to a minority that already faces immense pressure from a world pitted against them. 

Not content with slandering just transgender persons, KRQ went on to offer advice on how to maintain a successful marriage. “Homes were made for women,” he explained. “These makaan (houses) that you see – why do we have them today? Historically, men have had no use for them. It is a woman who turns a house into a home, and it is a man’s responsibility to keep a woman in that home so that it can be a happy place.” 

However, in a twist that should have been easy enough to spot, KRQ deferred the responsibility of maintaining a happy home and marriage directly to the women themselves. “For God’s sake, women, if you don’t look after your body, if you don’t keep your physique beautiful, you will lose your man!” he instructed in no uncertain terms. “A woman has to maintain herself if she is to keep her man interested. Start taking care of yourself!” 

By reducing women to sexual objects, KRQ once again alienated half of his target audience and missed the mark in what he must have hoped was a helpful tip in keeping a relationship going. As long as such patriarchal views continue to spew forth from public figures, change in the perception of women at the grassroots will continue to remain an uphill struggle.  

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