GriefSPEAK: Ashes, ashes… – Mari Nardolillo Dias

by Mari Nardolillo Dias, EdD, contributing writer on grief and grieving

“Ashes, ashes, we all fall down” (Ring Around the Rosie)

Rhoda took the urn, which contained her mother’s ashes, and put it in the back of a closet. One that she would never use. Never open. She just could not look at it. Did not know what to do with it. That was over 10 years ago. This is not uncommon. Many of my clients are fraught with the conundrum of the ashes. Many find the urn an unacceptable reminder of the finality of death. Of course, there are others who have very creative ways to disperse and/or share them. They are in the minority.

I have had clients who choose/refuse to pick up the ashes from the funeral home. Some have left them there for years. Like Rhoda, they chose to avoid the reminder. Rhoda’s high anxiety was affecting her both physically and emotionally. She felt guilty for “Shoving her mother in the back of closet, never to be seen again”. She also felt selfish – she hid the urn for her own peace of mind. The guilt and the selfishness battled and impacted on her daily life. Remember – for 10 years!

We used a structured exposure therapy that allowed Rhoda to abandon her disassociation, along with the guilt and selfishness.

After processing the emotions and the incongruence of behavior, Rhoda came up with an idea. A solution. One that would honor her mother and help make her feel whole.

Rhoda took the ashes to a tattoo artist. She had the artist mix her mom’s ashes into her favorite colors, and had a lovely hummingbird (mom’s favorite) tattooed inside her left arm. The one associated with her heart.

Access all of Dr. Dias’ columns at: GRIEFSPEAK

Dr. Mari Nardolillo Dias is a nationally board-certified counselor, holds a Fellow in Thanatology and is certified in both grief counseling and complicated grief. Dias is a Certified death doula, and has a Certificate in Psychological Autopsy.

Dias was an Adjunct Professor and was Professor of Clinical Mental Health, Master of Science program, at Johnson & Wales University. Dias is the director of GracePointe Grief Center, in North Kingstown, RI.  For more information, go to:  //gracepointegrief.com/