10 Rules for Post-Election Conversations

When Donald Trump won the U.S. presidential election last week, emotions spiked to feverish levels. Some people celebrated until they were hoarse; others lost their voice from shouting into the void or at those very revelers. Few on opposite sides knew how to talk to each other, at least in any way that felt productive, meaningful, and (imagine!) kind.

“We have in our minds that the people who support the other candidate are these narrow stereotypes of what we've seen in the media, and what our own minds created due to our cognitive biases,” says Tania Israel, a professor of counseling psychology at the University of California, Santa Barbara, and author of Facing the Fracture: How to Navigate the Challenges of Living in a Divided Nation. “We tend to see people on the other side as being extreme, irrational, and driven by hatred. But that’s a distortion of who most people are.”

If you love—and maybe even live with—someone who voted for a different candidate, it is possible to peacefully coexist. While knocking on doors in rural Pennsylvania the week before the election, Israel met a couple planning to vote different ways. She remarked on how difficult that must be for them to navigate. “And this woman said, ‘Oh, he’s a Steelers fan. I’m an Eagles fan,’” she recalls. “‘We know how to do this.’”

Even for those less practiced at handling differences, there are strategies you can use to keep things civil. We asked experts what rules to follow while communicating with others after this contentious election.

Time the conversation carefully

There’s no need to wade into a political conversation in the early days or weeks following the election—or even at all. Give yourself time to celebrate or grieve, Israel suggests; neither will happen overnight. During this time, focus on talking to people who voted for the same candidate as you, who are experiencing the same emotions. “People have a lot of feelings that they’re processing, and it’s probably best to process them with people who agree with you, at least for the moment,” she says. “Give yourself time and space to do that.”

How will you know when you’re ready to hold forth with people who voted opposite you? Make it a point to check in with yourself and do some self-reflection, advises Johanna Solomon, an assistant professor in Kent State University's School of Peace and CoNFLict Studies. “If you become heated or angry or so sad that it's making you cry every time you think about what happened in the election, it's probably not yet the moment to be engaging with people who voted differently,” she says. Prioritize finding solidarity instead of jumping into conversations that will likely devolve rapidly.

If your side won, avoid gloating

Rep. Aaron Crossley, a Democrat, was just elected as minority caucus whip within the Missouri House of Representatives. His father, a Republican, ran for a House seat in the same county but a different district and lost his race. Crossley texted his dad after the results were final, but he didn’t gloat. “It’s a mix of emotions to work through,” he says. “It adds a whole different level of complexity to think through and wrestle with.”

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Showing grace is good advice even for those who merely voted in the election. If you’re happy about the results, don’t rub your party’s victory in anyone’s face. “Gloating is not a great way to help bring others to your side,” Crossley says. “In fact, it’s probably a good way to turn people off from the way you believe. There’s nothing worse than a sore loser—except a sore winner.” Save those “I told you so’s,” he adds—they’re all but certain to add fuel to the fire.

Set up time for an intentional conversation

Before attempting to enter a political conversation, ask the other person if they feel up to it. They might not be in a space yet to have that conversation—or maybe they only have 10 minutes to spare before they need to be somewhere, which wouldn’t allow both of you time to adequately express your feelings. Solomon suggests wording it like this: “Hey, I was really surprised by what happened in this election, and I know you have some insight into why people from the other party voted the way they did. Are you willing to have a conversation with me to help me understand what’s going on?” There will be plenty of opportunity for more casual conversations over the next few years, she adds, but when the election results are still so fresh, it’s important to be intentional about it and make sure you’re both signing up for the same type of conversation.

Share personal stories

Once you’ve committed to having a dialogue, make it a point to express genuine curiosity. Instead of yelling at your parents or attacking your brother’s point of view, reframe the conversation as an opportunity to better learn about their perspective. You might start by assuring whoever you’re talking to that you don’t think they’re a terrible person—and asking what concerns they had about the country that they thought their preferred candidate would address.

Read More: 11 Things to Say to Your Relative Whose Politics You Hate

Focus on your loved one’s personal experiences and motivations, not stats or headlines or punditry that you think prove your point. “The data really shows us that when we speak from our own convictions and our own hearts and our own personal examples, it’s much more convincing than facts and figures,” Solomon says. “If we hear facts and figures that don't align with what we believe, our brains are able to reject those. But if we hear from people we love on a personal level, it’s much more likely to sink in and have an impact.”

Lean into shared values

When Crossley knocked on someone's door while campaigning, making the case for why he should represent them again, he asked what they cared about—and the responses weren’t always issues he personally believed in. So he kept asking the question—what else do you care about?—“and eventually, we’d get to something we both agreed on,” he says. 

If you’re talking to someone whose No. 1 issue is, say, tightening the border—in a way that you don’t support—look for what's at the heart of why they care about it, he advises. “I usually reframe it as saying, ‘I think people should come here legally too,’” he says. “Or if somebody is pro-life and talking to somebody who is pro-choice, they could say, ‘I think we should protect women and make sure women have rights. Let’s start in the middle and work our way out.’” It might take some time, but you’ll likely realize you have more in common than you had anticipated.

Show that you’re listening

It’s important to show the person you’re talking to that you’re serious about hearing them. Don’t ask a question only to interrupt or get angry and storm away. Active-listening skills are an asset during difficult conversations, Solomon says. She advises making sure you have a space that's calm and quiet, and where you're physically able to hear what someone is saying. “Make sure your body language is as open as possible,” she adds. That means maintaining eye contact, nodding to indicate you agree or are paying attention, and leaning in when the other person is speaking to show you’re listening. “Try to avoid looking angry and crossing your arms or furrowing your brow—those things that we do naturally in our bodies to defend ourselves.” It’s also helpful to repeat back what the other person is saying to make sure you’re understanding it correctly, and to ask follow-up questions that demonstrate you’re invested.

Speak their language

Crossley, who’s a social worker, previously worked as an adjunct university professor. One of his favorite exercises was asking his students to read through different news articles and then synthesize a social welfare policy from two perspectives—as somebody who was for it, and somebody who was against it. He employs that same strategy now when he reads the news, noodling on how different groups of people would feel about it, and he’s found it helps cultivate empathy and understanding that bleeds into all his communication. “I just think through, ‘OK, why would somebody be for this, and why would somebody be against it?’” he says. “Because when we’re able to speak about that issue with their language, we’re better able to communicate our positions,” and the chances that what we say will resonate dramatically increase.

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Don’t channel your outrage into your dad who voted opposite you

It’s simply not useful to take your anger out on the people you love, even if you feel betrayed by their vote. “I think it’s best to remember that you're not mad at the people closest to you—you’re mad at the policies that [politicians] are trying to enact,” Crossley says. None of us will get anywhere without listening to and trying to understand each other; animosity doesn't heal wounds or bridge gaps. He points out that, earlier in his life, he identified as a Republican—and credits conversations with open-minded Democrats with helping him switch to the other side. That’s a testament to the power of positive communication. “Screaming at [other people] and expressing your outrage at them doesn't give them an opportunity to grow on their own,” he stresses. “Turning off relationships only helps people stay in the camps that they're in.”

Have an exit plan

Not all political conversations will be productive, to put it mildly. If you and the person you’re talking to are starting to raise your voices, and things are going downhill, take a break. It’s OK to be direct, Solomon says, and tell your loved one: “I really respect you as a human being, and I think this conversation isn’t productive in this moment. Maybe we can come back to it later.” Or, she adds, you could go with the “very Midwestern” version of that: “I’m really glad we got to talk. I have an appointment I need to get to.” You could also simply say that you thought you were ready to have the conversation, but you’re actually not there yet.

Before parting ways, it's a good idea to thank someone for their time—which doesn't mean you have to say anything positive about the conversation. “Thank you for taking a minute out of your day to express your viewpoint” does the trick nicely, Solomon says.

Give yourself—and others—permission to maintain important relationships

In the wake of the election, many people implored their social-media “friends” to unfollow them if they voted for a different candidate. The internet lit up with anecdotes from people planning to distance themselves from family members aligned with the other party. While everyone has the right to make their own choices, we also shouldn’t judge or shame those who remain close to people with different political views, Israel says. Maintaining these bonds isn’t a moral failing. “It doesn’t serve any advocacy purpose to cut people out of your life who are on the other side of an issue,” she says. “It actually strengthens our ability as allies and as advocates if we maintain those relationships and if we understand where those people are coming from. Putting ourselves in a more ironclad bubble might feel comforting on some level, but it doesn't advance our collective goals.”